3 March 1913 – 9 March 1913

Came home, lay on my bed, still dressed, and ruminated.... First a suspicion then a conviction came to me that I was a cad--a callous, selfish, sensation-hunting cad.... For the time being the bottom was knocked out of my smug self-satisfaction. For several long half-hours I found myself drifting without compass or stars. I was quite disorientated, temporarily thrown off the balance of my amour propre. Then I got up, lit the gas and looking at myself in the mirror, found it was really true,--I was a mean creature, wholly absorbed in self. As an act of contrition, I ought to have gone out into the garden and eaten worms. But the mirror brought back my self-consciousness and I began to crawl back into my recently discarded skin--I began to be less loathesome to myself. For as soon as I felt interested or amused or curious over the fact that I had been really loathesome to myself I began to regain my equilibrium. Now, I and myself are on comparatively easy terms with one another. I am settled on the old swivel.... I take a lot of knocking off it and if shot off soon return. To-day, she was silent and melancholy but wonderfully fascinating. One day I am desperate and the next cold and apathetic. Am I in love? God knows! She came to the door to say "Good night," and I deliberately strangled my desire to say something.

In bed till 12.30 reading Bergson and the O.T. Over to the flat to supper. E---- was cold and silent. She spurned me. No wonder. I talked volubly and quite brilliantly with the definite purpose of showing up J----'s somnolence. I also pulled his leg. He hates me. No wonder. After supper, he went in to her studio and remained there alone with her while she worked. At 11 p.m. he was still there when I came away in a whirlwind of jealousy, regrets, and rage. G---- said he was going to stay on until he saw "the blighter off the premises." Neither of us would go in to turn him out. I love her deeply and once my heart jumped when I thought I heard her coming into the room. But it was only P----. Did not see her again--even to say "Good-night."