Katherine Mansfield’s diary, 1922

1 dreamed I sailed to Egypt with Grandma — a very white boat. Cold, still. The gale last night has blown nearly all the snow off the trees ; only big,…

Little round birds in the fir-tree at the side window, scouring the tree for food. I crumbled a piece of bread, but though the crumbs fell in the branches only two…

I dreamed I was at the Strand Palace, — having married M.D. — big blonde — in quantities of white satin. . . . There was a great deal more snow this morning ; it…

Dreamed of M.S. An important dream; its tone was important. That gallery over the sea and my " Isn't it beautiful? " and his weary " No doubt." His definition of…

A long typical boat dream. I was, as usual, going to N.Z. But for the first time my stepmother was very friendly — so nice. I loved her. A tragic dream as regards…

The first quarter of the Moon. Jour de fete. The Christmas Tree is dismantled. I had a very bad night and did not fall deeply asleep enough to dream. In the…

It ceased snowing, and a deep, almost gentian blue sky showed. The snow lay heaped on the trees, big blobs of snow, like whipped cream. It was very cold, but, I…

All night dreamed of visiting houses, bare rooms, No. 39, going up and down in lifts, etc. Heavily, more heavily than ever, falls the snow. It is hypnotising. One…

Snow. The vegetable garden fence was all but gone. H came and said there was between 6-7 feet of snow. He was very cheerful and friendly. Off his guard, speaking of…

Dreamed I was back in New Zealand. Got up to-day. It was fine. The sun shone and melted the last trace of snow from the trees, from the roof. The drops were not…

A vile cold day. The parcel came from M. But when one compares it with A.'s exquisite coat. . . . J. and I ' typed.' I hate dictating ; but the story still seems to…

Heard from B. Her letter was almost frightening. It brought back the inexplicable past. It flashed into my mind too that she must have a large number of letters of…

1 got up to-day and felt better. It was in- tensely cold. M. came in the afternoon. She and I were alone. She wore a little blue hood fastened under the chin with a…

Dreamed I was shopping, buying under- clothes in Cook's and then in Warnock's. But the dream ended horribly. Another chill, bloodless day. I got up, but all was…

A wonderfully pleasant dream about Paris. All went so well. The Doctor and his friends all had the same atmosphere. It was good, kind, quietly happy. I don't know…

Tchehov made a mistake in thinking that if he had had more time he would have written more fully, described the rain, and the midwife and the doctor having tea. The…

H. is a man to remember. At tea that day. Mrs. M. before the huge silver kettle and pots and large plates. The ornate cake ; one must remember that cake. " It seems…

Wrote to de la Mare. Why it should be such an effort to write to the people one loves I can- not imagine. It's none at all to write to those who don't really count.…

Grandma's birthday. Where is that pho- tograph of my dear love leaning against her husband's shoulder, with her hair parted so meekly and her eyes raised? I love…

My feeling about Ernestine is shameful. But there it is. Her tread, her look, the way her nose is screwed round, her intense stupidity, her wrists — re- volt me.…

Paris? To remember the sound of wind — the peculiar wretchedness one can feel while the wind blows. Then the warm soft wind of spring searching out the heart. The…

Wrote and finished Taking the Veil. It took me about 3 hours to write finally. But I had been thinking over the decor and so on for weeks — nay, months, I believe.…

Played cribbage with J. I delight in see- ing him win. When we play he sometimes makes faces at me — the same kind of faces that Chummie used to make. I think I am…

Pinker writes to say The Nation has taken " The Doll's House." I am sure that meditation is the cure for the sick- ness of my mind, i.e. its lack of control. I have…

M. came, wearing her woolly lamb. A strange fate overtakes me with her. We seem to be always talking of physical subjects. They bore and disgust me, for I feel it…

These preparations for flight are almost incredible. The only way to keep calm is to play crib. J. and I sit opposite each other. I feel we are awfully united. And…

H. came. He says my right lung is prac- tically all right. Can one believe such words? The other is a great deal better. He thinks my heart will give me far less…

There was a tremendous fall of snow on Sunday. Monday was the first real perfect day of winter. It seemed that the happiness of J. and of me reached its zenith on…

Travelling is terrible. All is so sordid, and the train shatters one. Tunnels are hell. I am fright- ened of travelling. We arrived in Paris late, but it was very…

At 5.30 I went to the clinique and saw the other man, D. I asked him to explain the treatment and so on. He did so. But first: as I approached the door it opened…

I went to M. for a treatment. A curious impression remains. M.'s beautiful gesture coming into the room was perfect. But D. shouted so, pushed his face into mine,…

Massingham accepts the idea of a regular story. Heard from K about * people.' It was rather a horrible day. I was ill, and at night I had one of my terrible fits of…

Wrote at my story, read Shakespeare. Read Goethe, thought, prayed. The day was cold and fine. But I felt ill and could do nothing but lie still all day. This going…

Letters from B. and J. B's letter was the most beautiful I have ever received. It gave me a strange shock to find J. never even asked how things were going. A…

A miserable day. In the night I thought for hours of the evils of uprooting. Every time one leaves anywhere, something precious, which ought not to be killed, is…

1 did not go to the clinique because of my chill. Spent the day in bed, reading the papers. The feeling that someone was coming towards me is too strong for me to…

We put the chess-men on the board and began to play. It was an unsettled day. L.M. in and out with no home, — no place — whirled like a leaf along this dark passage…

Felt ill all day. Feeling of violent con- fusion in my body and head. I feel more ill now than ever, so it seems. J. went out and bought a tea-pot and so on;…

Another hellish day. But J. found some pastilles which help my throat, and it seemed to me they had a calming effect on my heart. I had one of my perfect dreams. I…

Went to the clinique. I felt that all was wrong there. M. was distrait and a little angry. D. as usual sailed over everything. But that means noth- ing. It seemed…

Finished The Fly.

Oh, what will this beloved month bring?

Paris. I must begin writing for Clement Shorter to-day 12 " spasms " of 2,000 words each. I thought of the Burnells, but no, I don't think so. Much better, the…

Randogne, Switzerland. I find the rapture at being alone hard to understand. Certainly when I am sitting out of sight under a tree I feel I could be content never…

Sierre. This is a damning little note-book, quite in the old style. How I am committed ! To-day is Tuesday. Since leaving Montana I have written about a page. The…

" Do you know what individuality is ? " " No." " Consciousness of will. To be conscious that you have a will and can act." Yes, it is. It's a glorious saying.

Important. When we can begin to take our failures non-seriously, it means we are ceasing to be afraid of them. It is of immense importance to learn to laugh at…

The Luxembourg Gardens. A very small railway train came along, with a wooden whistle. First it stopped, blew the whistle, and then moved slowly forward with a…

Arrived Paris. Took rooms in Select Hotel, Place de la Sorbonne, for ten francs a day per person. What feeling? Very little. The room is like the room where one…

I have been thinking this morning until it seems I may get things straightened out if I try to write . . . where I am. Ever since I came to Paris I have been as ill…

Nietzsche's Birthday. Sat in the Luxem- bourg Gardens. Cold, wretchedly unhappy. Horrid people at lunch, everything horrid, from anfang bis zum ende.

Laublatter. The Four Fountains. The Red Tobacco Plant. English dog. The funeral proces- sion. Actions and Reactions. The silky husks, like the inside of the paw of…

In the autumn garden leaves falling. Little footfalls, like gentle whispering. They fly, spin, twirl, shake.