16 September 1918 – 22 September 1918

My fits of temper are really terrify- ing. I had one this (Sunday) morning and tore a page up of the book I was reading — and absolutely lost my head. Very significant. When it was over J. came in and stared. "What is the matter? What have you done? Why? You look all dark." He drew back the curtains and called it an effect of light but when I came into my studio to dress I saw it was not that. I was a deep earthy colour, with pinched eyes. Strangely enough these fits are L. and F. over again. I am more like L. than anybody. We are unthinkably alike, in fact. It is a dark reluctant day. The fire makes a noise like a flag — and there is the familiar sound from be- low of someone filling buckets. I am very stiff, very unused to writing now, and yet, as I sit here it's as though my dear one, my only one, came and sat down opposite me and gazed at me across the table. And I think suddenly of the verses which seemed so awfully good in my girlhood. Others leave me — all things leave me, You remain. My room really has for me a touch of fairy. Is there anything better than my room? Anything outside? The kitten says not — but then it's such a hunting ground for the kitten ; the sun throws the shape of the window on to the carpet, and in those four little square fields the silly flies wander, ever so spied upon by the little lion under the sommier frill. . . . Oh dear — Oh dear — where are my people? With whom have I been happiest? With nobody in particu- lar. It has all been mush of a mushness. Later. That kitten took sick, was taken away, lived two weeks in great torture, then for two days, it lost the will to live. It became just a cotton reel of fur with two great tearful eyes : " Why has this happened to me? " so the vet. killed it. It had gastric trouble, acute constipation with a distended belly, and canker in both ears. The two days before it went away it suf- fered here. I bought it a ball and it tried to play a little — but no ! It couldn't even wash itself. It came up to me, stood on its hind legs, opened its little jaws and tried to mew. No sound came ; I never saw anything more pitiful.